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IN YOUR PRIME
Mail Call
Q. A
little over four weeks ago I found myself a widow, at the young age of 55!
I’m now in uncharted territory; it is scary, lonely, and sometimes
overwhelming. I know I will get through this; yet there are those days I
simply don’t want to…
Certain days are awful; others aren’t quite so bad. I try and stay busy. (I work fulltime; and that helps.) I also try not to
wallow in grief, but rather make myself remember the good times. I think our memories are the way the good Lord helps us
fight through sorrows!
---Name withheld; of Eustis, FL
A. The most appreciative responses this scribbler has opened in 22 years of doing business here are from widows. First, they
unfold their tragedy; they record their shock and loss, and then move on to the recovery phase.
Simply put, they are resolute, resourceful and, plainly, the stronger sex when asked to climb back up after life’s
knockdowns. Further, I’ve learned a few helpful things for those of us called upon to assist this woman alone:
1) Be honest. Do not sugar-coat the widow’s future; 2) little things mean a lot: fix a hot meal for her; take her a Starbucks
treat; run errands, even line up a support group for her to join. 3) Shrug it off when she snaps at you, “I’m not ready to
meet new people; don’t you get it?” 4) Listen well and long. Let her know she needs to talk. 5) If she asks, “Why me? Why
Tom? He was never even sick,” listen and say nothing. When you feel the moment is right, remind her life comes at us without
house rules, and surely without a sense of fairness.
President John F. Kennedy liked to remind listeners, “The angels ask for justice; the rest of us ask only for mercy.” 6) Dr.
Gordon Livingston, who lost two sons (one boy was a suicide; the other died from leukemia), writes: “Grief is a subject I
have come to know well…What I learned is that there is no way around it; you just have to go through it.
“In my journey,” he continues, “I experienced hopelessness; contemplated suicide, and learned that I was not alone. Certain
that there could be no comfort in words, I came to realize that words, my own and those of others, were all I had to frame my
experience, first my despair and finally a fragile belief that my life still had meaning.”
As an inveterate reader and writer, I remain committed to the printed word. In words I find comfort, discovery, excitement,
new meaning, affirmation and encouragement. Therapist Mary Pipher, brilliant in her low-keyed approach, writes: “Over and
over again, we have to learn how to be simply human…My solutions to human problems have been simple ones—get more rest, do
good work, take things a day at a time, and find some people to love.”
Lastly, I submit that a valid reason to live long is to find new ways to help someone in need, to serve, to teach and, yes,
to give love. May some opportunities to give of yourself show up at your door, and in so doing guide you through your period of sorrow.
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Outrageous Associations
